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The Gas Shortage/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW How you doing, harold? Thank you. I was walking around downtown. Ralphie's gas station is gone. It's been replaced by a convenience store/ banking machine/video outlet. Ralphie couldn't make money in the gasoline business. Wow, that's impossible, uncle red. Everything around here runs on gas, including most of the lodge members. Boy, he sold hundreds of gallons to you guys every week. To be honest, a lot of guys were taking gas from the self-serve and not paying for it. Ralphie's pumps aren't self-serve. They are at 3:00 in the morning. (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): Ranger gord is wound up just a little too tight, I'll grind a big hole in the possum van, garth harble's got something in the attic, but it's not worth much, and winston rothschild goes on and on and on... Watch your allergies, harold. I might have spilled gasoline on myself. Don't come near me! Or the stove. I'm particularly allergic to human torches. You try something, where does it get you? We wanted to run a pipeline from the gas station in port asbestos to the lodge. It's downhill all the way. The government steps in. Says it's illegal to run gasoline through eavestroughs. I'm not sure how long the duct tape would have held, anyway. Well, maybe I'm glad we have a government. (audience laughing) I know I'm glad we have a fire department. I don't know what you heard, but that was an accident. Those bathtubs were porcelain. There wasn't a leaky one in the bunch. Whoa! What are you talking about? Oh, well, we had a bunch of bathtubs on a flat-bed up to port asbestos and we filled them with gas and... It didn't go real well. Perhaps they were a little too full? Not after the first corner. The real problem hit when junior singleton flicked his flaming butt out the window... And then his lit cigarette out. No, no, no, I got those in the wrong order. (applause) (red): Bill's solution to being out of gas is to find another mode of transportation. He's going back to the old west, the old cowboy. That's a real lovely horse, bill, but he's not a quality-- he's got a chaw of tobacco-- oh, he's gonna do the spittoon thing. Oh, by golly. This is-- you know, bill-- oh, careful, there. Oh, you're fine. (laughing) spring came early this year. And he's gonna fire that into the pail. Ok, bill, get a big chaw. Get a man-sized-- oh. Oh, by golly. Uh, bill? No, no, you missed on that. You'll find it over... It's over in that area. It's funny, eh? He'll be back later. She scrimped and saved for two years to buy that car. She did not give you permission to drive it, but you had to go behind her back and take it for a drive. You had to go to the lumber yard and you had to buy two sheets of drywall and you had to cram them into that tiny hatchba. And you had to rip the upholstery in the roof. Now what are you gonna tell her? You're not gonna tell her anything, not yet. First, you're gonna ditch that drywall. You get back in that car, drive over to her nephews'. You know the ones. Those rotten little children of satan. You're gna take them out and buy them ice cream and chocolate and pop. Especially chocolate. And make sure they spend at least an hour inside the car. When those three hyenas are done, your rip in the roof's gonna look like an afterthought. You're off the hook. How can she blame you? You were trying to be nice to her nephews. It's not your fault they're rotten, destructive sociopaths. They're family. Right! (applause) ♪ lying on the boathouse, starin' at the stars ♪ ♪ no noise, no horn, no exhaust ♪ ♪ at least, none of it from cars, right? ♪ ♪ I don't let anyone up here ♪ ♪ it's my own private little nest ♪ ♪ but now that I've thrown my back out ♪ ♪ and I'm pretty much paralysed ♪ ♪ from the eyebrows down ♪ ♪ I'm valuing privacy less and less ♪ oh! Don't believe what you read in the newspapers. The reason we have a fuel shortage is because our gas tanks aren't big enough. This week in "handyman corner", I'm gonna put a man-size gas tank into the possum van. Originally, I was thinking I'd pop in this unit, but I don't think this will do the job. It won't hold enough gas to cover off the gas mileage problem I have with the van. I could change the plugs and points, but I don't want to get into that. Instead, what I need is a gas tank the same size as the whole van. Once I fill this unit up with gasoline, I need some way to get gas into the real gas tank to go up into the engine. No problem -- hack a hole in the floor and let gravity do the work. Now, before we start throwing a couple of thousand gallons into this unit, you want to plug up anywhere that gasoline might seep out. You don't want to be driving with the gas roaring out of her... Not at today's prices. I've gone down the dashboard, covered up wherever I thought gasoline might leak -- the headlights switch, the windshield washers. I've got the heater vent closed up. Do extra duct tape around the dimmer switch. I know the floor's kind of rusty there. But that should hold her, and do it properly. You know, that will take you maybe 10 to 15 minutes to do it right, you know? Once you've done that, you've gotta do the windows and the doors and all the rust holes. All right. That is one tight-sealed van. All's I have to do is go to the fill-up station and load 'er up with a year-and-a-half's supply of gasoline. So remember, if the women don't find-- oh, golly. All right, ok, re-think. The mark of a true handyman is his ability to adapt to changing conditions. Safety regulations, that kind of thing. What am I gonna do here? Maybe a snorkel unit of some kind or... Maybe radio control... I know! You know the flying bridge, like they have on cabin cruisers? Yeah, I'll move the whole dashboard unit up onto the roof and... Ok, no, no, no. Gonna need a whole new dashboard unit. Oh, oh, oh, oh! This has to be good news for all you small-car owners out there. I've hooked everything up to run the unit. I duct-taped her on. You might want to weld it. I'd suggest you do your welding before you fill the van with gasoline. Keep an eye out for the maximum height on the low bridges and so on. (starting engine) let's give her a test drive. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. (honking "shave and a haircut, two bits") (red): Ranger gord's pretending he's a tree. He's got to exaggerate his I.Q. Any day now, you'll be shaving or scraping pizza chunks off your forehead. You'll look in the mirror and see that your face is covered with wrinkles. All around your mouth, your eyes, up over your ears. When you furrow your brow, looks like a rump roast made out of corduroy. (audience laughing) wrinkles is caused by one thing only. You got too much skin. You go to a cosmetic surgeon, they're happy to cut the skin off for you, or if you're on a budget, I guess you could duct-tape wires to the skin and then tighten it with a little winch hidden in your hat. Here's a simple way to get rid of wrinkles -- put on weight. (audience laughing) oh, yeah, you just eat and eat and eat until you fill up all that extra skin. You see, mother nature gave you that skin, thinking you'd be a lot fatter by now. Don't let her down. It's just that simple. Fat is the safest and simplest cure for wrinkles. You ever see a wrinkled pig? No, sir. Fill your face every day, and one day, when your heart explodes, and your friends are leaning over your extra-wide coffin, they'll comment on how young you look. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. (applause and cheering) ranger gord is gonna teach us how to avoid being attacked by grizzly bears. That's right, red. In the 16 years I've been manning firewatch tower 13, I've never once been mauled by a bear. I've been attacked by foxes and wolves and deer and elk and badgers and squirrels. A hummingbird will give a good nip. Oh, and that chipmunk scar is just starting to heal. No, we don't need to see that. I've never once -- not once -- been mauled by a bear. Why do you think that is? Good sense, I would say. No. No way. No, camouflage, ok? Now, bears like to eat fish and grub, so I never ever dress up like a fish or a grub, ok? As much as I'd like to sometimes, I avoid it. I dress up like a tree. Now, these are ash branches, and an ash looks like this. See that? Yeah. I'm an ash. Took the words right out of my mouth. You hold the branches like this, like this, or even as much as this, you're not going to fool a rabbit, let alone a bear. The key to dressing up like a tree is the shape. All right, thank you, gord. No, wait. I have another one. This is my favourite, so if you'd hold that... Yeah, all right. Hold it in your fingers. Here we go -- watch this. Ok, ok, oh, yeah. Isn't this fun? Oh, my gosh! Watch this. This must be my favourite. It must be. There, ok? Yeah. What am I? Don't ask me questions like that, gord. I'm a white birchbark. You see that? You didn't recognize me. No. What were you thinking? About the same as always. Oh, yeah? Gas fumes getting to you, are they, harold? Well... That was clean when I put it on. The whole town's going that way. People wearing disguises so they can steal gas from each other, and people hoarding their gas supply. A gallon of premium unleaded is 30 bucks on the black market. If you buy 10 gallons, you get a free black-market car wash. We got a real energy crisis. It's like the '70's, but we don't get the fun of blaming foreigners. One guy ordered a pizza. When the driver went to get the money, someone siphoned gas from his car. (audience laughing) really? Boy, that's bad. People are putting locking gas caps on their lawn mowers. I bought five gallons of gas from flinty mcclintock. Turned out to be apple cider. Mind you, the van still ran pretty good. The exhaust smelled like a waldorf salad. (audience laughing) welcome to the expert portion. This week, we have two experts: My uncle red and winston rothschild! (applause and cheering) here's our first letter and it goes as follows: "dear experts, my dad says I should stay in school "and get an education. "I want to get out and get my dream job now. "what do you think?" that's no contest -- get out and get the job. A degree's just a piece of paper. Just a second, now. The road to a higher education is not a one-way street. Take me, for example. I took an alternative route. After I quit high school and started rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services, it was after that that I got my college degrees, in my spare time. There are a number of great learning institutions for anybody who can read a matchbook cover. (audience laughing) right now, I'm working on a degree from m.I.T. Not the massachusetts institute of technology. No, murray's school of tennis. The way I see it, if I get my, uh, ph.B. From murray's, that will be nine in total. Oh, yeah -- nine. That's right. Winston rothschild, ph.B., ll.X., s.O.L., I.O.U., d.O.A., v.C.R., p.D.Q., q.T., and, of course, t. & a. (audience laughing) look what you're doing. You're running a sewage business. Education's not worth it -- just go for the job. You don't have any education. All you're doing is hosting this show. You're no better than me. You're saying we're both in the sewage business? (audience laughing) well, yeah, but I take it away. (laughing and applause) (cheering) (red): Meanwhile, back with buffalo bill... I mean... Ow, ow. ... "buffalo" in the sense of he's gonna need wings at some point. Bill's got-- look out, look out. Oh, boy. One thing about going to a playground with a fellow like bill, you don't need to get involved. Kids, you stay well back, you see a man like this. Oh, boy. Oh, for gosh-- I'm standing there, trying to figure out what he has in mind, thinking that it must be something. What is it? Oh, yeah, teeter-totter. What are you doing? Oh, funny -- that's very funny. I get, as usual, the short end of the stick. I'll show you who's got the short end of the whatever -- oh! Sorry, bill -- I feel terrible. (laughing) oh, oh, oh! Oh, oooh, that smarts, you know? He gets off it. (laughing) all right. Ohhh! These playgrounds are fun, aren't they? We got that unit apart and I got bill's horse. He mounts the whole unit on the old wagon we had. Stole something from the handyman work bench, bill? What are we doing here? How's this work, bill? You're gonna sit on... All right, he's gonna sit on that end. The spring's attached there, so... Yeah, ok. The pipe goes down here and... Oh, I know, I know. The old railroad car thing. If you can get this pumping, you don't need gas. You can just pump up and down and that will drive the car forward, but... It's gonna be hard to get her started, bill. You can't just... What? Oh, I'll give it a push. All right, fair enough. Oh, for gosh sakes. These kids that don't clean up their room. Oh, it's the horse. The horse can drive. Back I go and give her a little push. He'll be able to... (squeaking) some grease might have been an idea. Slowly up and down. This isn't gonna get lots of speed, but there you go. There you are, that's working. I don't know what he does at a hill, but you know, we left the key turned on and by golly if she didn't start up. (laughing) that picked things up a little bit. With the bouncing, the horse fell on the gas pedal and that really picked things up, right, bill? Oh, boy, oh, boy! We lost one! Man overboard! Bill, the car, the car-- bill, the car. Oh, oh, oh... Ooooh! Wow! Ohhh! Boy! He looks good with a pipe, doesn't he? You all right, bill? Wow. Stay tuned for garth. He's been attacked by a porcupine. I like the way guys are dealing with the gasoline shortage. We're making vehicles burn less gas. Taking the passenger seat won't save any weight. No passenger seat means no passenger. Without you there beside me, not only will I get where I'm going, I'll arrive in a better mood. (audience laughing) that would make a dandy recliner once I wash the dr. Pepper out. It's good you guys are using less fossil fuel. I couldn't believe the extra weight you were carrying. What's that supposed to mean? Oh! I meant your vehicle. Yeah... Oh! You know, the bunch of us have made a wager to see who can go the farthest on the least gas, so we're cutting the weight down on our vehicles. Just take out the duplication. All's you need on any car is one headlight, one mirror, one window, one seat, one door... One accident. (audience laughing) hey, handyman, here's a tip. You know all the different glues on the market? It doesn't matter what kind you use. If you spill it, make sure you clean it up right away, even if it doesn't say "quick-drying" on the can. Garth harble here, animal control, with another important tip on how you can control your animals. Come on in here, red. What happened to your arm? There you go, red. You have to point it out. No one would notice if you didn't make a thing about it. I think they'd notice. What is it, anyway? Well, porcupine. I didn't think a porcupine could throw his quills. He can't -- a bear can throw a porcupine. Yes, well... Kids, if you love animals, and you want to make a living at it, make sure you don't know anything about anything at all. Then go to the animal control centre and they'll make you a boss. Try to avoid having any personality whatsoever. Garth, you have a feature for us on squirrels? Huh? Something about squirrels. What? Squirrels. Oh, yeah, yes, squirrels. If you're gonna try to catch squirrels, make sure you don't have anything edible in your pockets. Don't ask how I know that. Got another tip about squirrels. Don't try to catch them at all. They're not nice animals. They're just rats with a hairdo. I got a nest of squirrels in my attic, so what I've done is I've stuffed all the attic holes with this screen right here, so that should take care of the problem. How did you chase the squirrels out before you put the screen up? How do you mean? Oh, boy. You've probably trapped those squirrels in there. (squirrels chittering) I'll take the screen down for you. Yeah, ok, well, make sure you don't have anything edible in your pockets. All right. Well, another super day. Sorry. I hope that was a coin or something. Nice work, harold. Well, good night, everybody. No, no, no, no, no. No, sir. We're gonna tell 'em what happened. Our most-fuel-efficient vehicle thing, that went fine. Then mr. Conscience figures he'll stick his nose in. I only said honesty's the best policy. You forced us to go to ralphie's and admit we'd been stealing gas and offer to pay what we owed if he went back to being a gas station. A suggestion, that's all it was. Well, here's the kicker. He'd never not been a gas station. He expanded to be a convenience store, too. The gas pumps were there, behind the chips, maps, key fobs, and carpeting. How come gas stations have to be department stores? You should be happy that the gas shortage is over. You made us tell the truth for nothing. That's a cardinal sin. You'd understand if you were married. (possum squeal) it's meeting time, uncle red. You go ahead, harold. The men are waiting for you. Oh, ok. Ohhhh! If my wife is watching, I'm coming home after the meeting. I'll gas up the weed-whacker. You'll see out the windows again. To the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the gang, keep your stick on the ice. (applause and cheering) (possum squeal) (harold): All rise! All rise! (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (red): Sit down. Excuse me for interrupting. Who ran over my hat? Next time, wait till I'm out of it! Closed captions premier subtitling inc. For more information on red green and possum lodge merchandise, call... Or find us on the internet at... Boy, this is too much!